I wish I was free to do more things. I wish I was free enough to go do things on a whim. I wish I could delete school the way I can this word. I wish I was free to go riding every day. I wish I had enough time to pursue each exciting plan I come up with. I wish I was free to skip rocks all day.
I know that the things I am tied to are important, and I know that what seems like a long time won't be forever. But each time I drive in the car with out rolling the windows down I wonder what birds flew by that I did not look for and what the wind felt like on the bridge. I wonder if I will ever see that car again. And what was that song those people thought was so nice.
Each morning I don't open the window I wonder what the flowers smelled like a few minutes ago and what the clouds looked like while I slept. I worry about the amount of time I spend inside when there is so much changing outside.
I hate school. I think of all the leaves dancing with out me while I look at a blank white wall that has scratches and scribbles scrawled all over it. I wonder how Adam and Eve would react to our buildings and cars. I don't think they would enjoy them.
But I think the root of all my problems is really the way our culture puts pressure on any one not at the top to get to the top NOW! America is known for its opportunities and advantages, but what about the privileges of living? It seems as if in the rush for improvement they forgot what the were improving. In the beginning it was poverty and the quality of living. What is it now?
Maybe convenience? Or the social advantages of thinking up something new and "cool"? I have not analyzed the network of human reason that far so I can't say. But I would seem a bit pointless even to the point of a disadvantage.I think I have taken as many classes of math as I will ever need. It maybe true that if it is at my finger tips why not soak it up, but what for? Will it develop necessary parts of my brain? Will it prepare me to help others? How can I say? I am not there yet, I am only aware of the useful things I could be free to do otherwise and the taxing effort it takes for me to spend on symbols.
So I won't complain and get it over with. But if I the world ends tomorrow and Jesus comes, I don't want to have spent 14+ years of my 15yrs. alive on school. I want to look back and be satisfied.
Maybe I will never be satisfied this side of heaven. Maybe God has called me to be a student in a white room with heavy books for the rest of my life. I could be called to this so that at each problem I will remember Him just to ask Him why? I won't know until I win the war and conquer the mountains. Until then I will just have to ask Him for help on the climb over.
I still wonder what it is like see each sunrise and I still wish for freedom but I am thankful I can do to the tune of this verse:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Lydia
Wow. That's just about all I can say. Wow. You are an incredible writer, Lydia! These are really interesting and insightful thoughts, but what really makes them pop is the way you wrote this. What an amazing friend I have! :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way sometimes, about not having time to do anything, oh, and I know how you Barrs have such an amazing vocabulary, we started Abeka this year.
ReplyDeleteu r stuning. that it. i had writen a cool, nice, lengthy post but then i acsidenly errased it >:[ so this will have to do.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the general feeling about Abeka?
ReplyDeleteI am surprised and pleased you think this is well written. If I wrote this post in any logical order it is because I have been mulling over this topic for a some time.
ReplyDeleteI am most grateful to have a Mother to teach me how to think logicaly while a Father who can teach me to write rythmically.
This gives me confidence to write out more of my thoughts!
It's good, just a little more difficult then what I am used to, I like the literature though.
ReplyDeleteOr did you mean about the religeon aspect of it?
ReplyDeleteNo one is every satisfied in this world. You will only be satisfied completely in Heaven. School is not at all satisfying for me, I feel more fulfilled when I'm with Cricket and shes just done an amazing job on something.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling you speak of. I feel it all the time. It's a longing for eternity and a want to be whole, like Christ.
The Psalms say that "..thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." Those things aren't on earth. :)
ReplyDeleteThough perhaps it's hard to be satisfied in this world, and ultimately, we won't and shouldn't be -- you still have to strive hard to be content.
ReplyDeleteYou were made to be in school -- for now. Thankfully, you weren't made to be school all your life (at least I hope not!) but that is your calling right now, and even though it's extremely tough, you still have to be content.
Of course, I'm sure I'm telling you things you already know. Just my thoughts reading this post and comments after it. :)
Btw, I thought this was especially beautiful and probably made the post for me:
"I won't know until I win the war and conquer the mountains. Until then I will just have to ask him for help on the climb over." :)
Oh, and one more thing -- something my cool cousin said on his blog a while ago: "Which road? Neither is higher. Maybe there is a third road somewhere and I just haven't seen it yet. Time will tell. "Trust me," He says. "Because I see only one road, and you are already on it."
You're already on the King's road, and though you might not know where it's going, take heart. Because he does. : )
Love you to pieces, dahling! <3
I wasn't refering to the religion aspect of it KC. But I am glad you like it. I hope It makes school that much better!
ReplyDelete